Getting over sexual performance anxiety

Get Over Your Sexual Hangups

By Sarah Jio

Whether you have body image issues, concerns about the way you smell or anxiety about achieving orgasm, sexual hangups can put a damper on desire and leave your sex life less than satisfying—for yourself and your husband. Here, our experts weigh in on the10 most common sex roadblocks for women and how to get past them.

Hangup #1: Self-Conscious About Having the Lights On

What’s your first instinct before you have sex? If it’s to turn the lights off, you’re not alone, says Debby Herbenick, PhD, author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. “Many women are afraid of letting their partner see them naked with the lights on, ” she says. But here’s the irony: “Most men love the way their partner looks—and they desperately want to see her naked, stretch marks and all!” Men are visual, she adds, and so keeping the lights off may take away a level of excitement for him.

How to Get Over It: Try a little candlelight or install a dimmer switch in your bedroom, suggests Dr. Herbenick. “Lights with a dimmer switch could be a great do-it-yourself project to suggest to one's husband, too. If he knows what the dimmer switch is for, he may jump on that project right away!”

Hangup #2: Worrying About the Smell—Down There

Any woman who’s heard a joke about female genitals “smelling like fish” may have thought to herself: “Yikes, do I really smell like that?” “Women get uptight about this, ” says Tina Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “In addition, if your early background includes information that your sexual parts are ‘dirty, ’ it can lead to fears about odor.”

How to Get Over It: “The truth is, even healthy bodies have a scent, ” says Dr. Tessina. “This is actually a good thing, because your scent is your pheromones—those hormones that attract men. Yes, vaginal odor can get stronger in the presence of a yeast infection, but if you are healthy and clean, there's no need to worry. Any man who has had sex before is accustomed to the natural scent of sex, and it will even turn him on.”

Hangup #3: Concerns About Passing Gas During Sex

The average woman passes gas 14 times per day. But wait—gasp!—what if it happens during sex? It might, says Dr. Tessina, but don’t let it worry you. “We must never forget that we're human, ” she says. “We are going to pass gas, burp and even have ‘vaginal farts, ’ which is a noise that can happen if air gets trapped in the vagina during sex.”

How to Get Over It: While you can take precautions like forgoing gassy foods before sex or taking antigas medication, Dr. Tessina suggests another route: “Develop a sense of humor about sex and about your body, ” she says. “Sharing a laugh during sex because someone had an 'eruption' can bring the two of you closer.”

Jake Daniels The Stage Fright Cure: How to overcome stage fright and performance anxiety (coaching and psychology) in five easy steps
eBooks (Jake Daniels)

I've actually had that problem a few times

by EricTO

In the past myself and afterwards couldn't understand for the life of me how I could be having sex with someone who by my ratings would be a 10 and yet I haven't been able to either (1) get off at all, or (2) it took forever. I think it's referred to as "performance anxiety", it cause being who knows what? Maybe it's just the type of thing that we are thinking to ourselves that "I can't believe I'm actually getting it on with this guy" and guess what? - for some reason, it just doesn't happen or happens with great difficulty time-wise.
I'm personally generally just the opposite, however

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